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Asunto:[nuevaconsciencia] letter
Fecha:Domingo, 6 de Octubre, 2002  14:07:16 (-0700)
Autor:X <t7st @.....com>

I canīt hate you God,

but either

I canīt love you,

 

they say Iīm kind

they say Iīm caring

but itīs that Iīm just afraid of feeling nothing,

I know this now,

I canīt feel anything about anything,

I tried hard to learn how to, but the things I do arenīt natural,

somehow, they notice this,

and so, there is no one who can really see me... 

 

I have never felt such emptiness before,

it have always been here, inside me, around me, embracing me like a jelous lover, but it was ok as long as I was able to try once more to understand all this non sense, as long as I was able to say: everything will be absolutely all right, as long as I could cry...

but I canīt cry now, I hope I could...

and this is it

 

you can say Iīm not lonely

there are so many people around me

some of them I call family

some of them I call friends

but itīs the same like you

(I canīt help but laughing a little when I write “you” so matter of factly)

I know who you are,

I know who they are,

what is everything made of,

how is it to shut the eyes as if with that you could put aside the uncertainty...

Iīd never could...

there had been times when I thought Iīd got it, when I thought Iīd finally got it, what they call love, what they call truth... but it had just vanished in front of my eyes, through my hands... and then there were times when I was sure I could live that way, with my eyes closed...

 

isnīt it funny to find me again trying to look into your eyes?

 

although... there is a slight difference now...

Iīm not down on my knees

Iīm not begging

Iīm not asking

and Iīm certainly not crying out all so desperately the weird and sick twisted blood of my heart...

there is nothing left to lose about me

and itīs almost amusing that in this way Iīm the nearest thing that Iīd found that can resemble you...

bastard

Iīd lived enough to feel tired of everything...

 

I donīt fear death

why didnīt we just end this game?

at least you couldīve let me sleep with you

at least you couldīve tried to learn how to love me without breaking me...

 

but itīs too late now

because right now, when I can see the real you and I can see myself in you like in a mirror,

I know that youīve tried enough too

I know that youīd never meant to break me

you certainly did it

Iīm broke like a shattered glass, but itīs not your fault as well itīs not anybody elseīs...

now that Iīd finally found you, I can see you everywhere...

and I canīt help but wanting this life...

it is such an adorable and fragile thing...

 

Iīm finally at home

I know now why Iīd always felt this kind of lonelyness... I still can sense it, but itīs different, there is no pain at all, as well as there is no hope or despair...

 

I just want to be here

 

did you heard that, you Puppetier?

 

I can remember myself telling you the same thing before coming, just a little more gently...

 

this is my little revolution

 

itīs alright, you can laugh about it

Iīm laughing

we both cannot cry because there is nothing to cry for

there is nothing to laugh about either but itīs easier that way in this physichal state...

 

you are so desperately alone

just like me

you are everything and it is just not enough

were you needing me that badly?

someone who can feel your emptiness, the source of everything we know, as deeply as you?

 

well, Iīm here

Iīd chosen to come of all the creatures that exist

I wonder if I was the only one...

Iīd never liked to be the only one... to be special... thatīs the only thing Iīd always prayed you for... and I must say that you had pleased me almost all the times I couldnīt do it by myself, all the times but with this, my true nature... and I think now itīs ok, at least you didnīt betrayed us... not before I hadnīt realized who I really am...

 

would it be ok now that I know it to ask you for it to change?

 

would it be fair?

 

thatīs one thing I think I will never know, because Iīm not asking for it, Iīm strong enough to be loyal to my own self, because if there were someone to match me in this way, all the things that we share would disappear

 

I have only you

 

I can enjoy you everywhere and in every way at this point, I can see your golden dust playing amazingly fast and perfect, creating... there is no thing such “destroying”, how could that be?, there is no thing such “badness”, there is only you... and all the things that humans had tried to create are just pale shadows of your nature, there is no thing like “suffering” or “pain” or “wrong”... feelings are just ways to fill what we donīt know and what we donīt want to know... I think that is why I donīt know how is it to love or how is it to feel happiness the way people do... I thought I knew at least what pain was... but it was just another construction of the circumstances...

 

to feel is just to pretend things are of a certain way, they are just the way all your creatures can, need and want to see you... and that is your fault... they are guideless... I know there is no need of a guide when it doesnīt really matter where are we all going to, but they donīt know that too... they donīt want to believe we are as lost as them...

 

I wonder if somehow we will finally reach the top of our wishes, if we will some day invent love the same way you do and I see everything, so perfect and easy... each thing a try, a road to it, each burst of energy a blind search for it...

 

at least it was the way everything started, wasnīt it? a single wish... your wish, because being just you wasnīt enough, it had to be something more... something we can rest on... and weīve kept searching for it since then and we will continue that way... thatīs the only truth Iīd found for us... Iīm sorry it isnīt enough yet either...

 

Iīm smiling

arenīt wishes the most powerful and terrible things of ourselves?

and that is too your whole fault

 

Iīm tired

this is the way this body works, isnīt it?

I just want you to know that I wonīt fight anymore, I will be with you and I will see you and I will feel you and I will just be myself and thatīs all... I donīt want to feel guilty for not feeling the same way others do, and I donīt want to feel lonely the way I was getting used to... after all, and like you, I know now that loneliness is just another way of looking at you... I think I can learn to enjoy it and to enjoy myself

and maybe I could even learn to pretend things are the way people need to think they are... Iīll pretend I care... and they will say again that Iīm a really a kind person, despite the seal of damness in my eyes... maybe I can even pretend Iīm happy this way... it wonīt matter if I canīt at the end... you will always be here to listen, and Iīll always come to you... youīre not alone God, Iīve finally become your mirror.



"why do you do this to me?... why do I feel this way?..."

"It was never enough to love you. Love had to hurt you."



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